on the chaos of life

journaling 9 weeks

2012-01-06T09:47:00.000-08:00

I don't journal anymore..... I don't keep up with the blog much either. I was thinking about this the other day, and realized that the last time I was making regular journal entries was when Luna was just a few months old. Guess things have just gotten away from me. But I'm glad I kept a journal regularly (up until then) because I can look back on it now and compare what I'm feeling now to what I was feeling then. "Then" being 9 weeks pregnant with Luna. YEP - I'm nine weeks pregnant! As if we don't have enough going on right now, we're adding a pregnancy to the list. And, for those of you who have been pregnant before, you can probably relate to 1st trimester fatigue, and maybe even nausea. I've had both - and they've made it challenging to keep up with my full plate.... a plate that includes midwifery school, a busy Chinese medicine practice, the opening of a new (private practice) clinic and all that that entails, entertaining a two year old who has learned the wonder of asking "why?", and supporting a very-busy-with-his-own-crazy-life-stuff partner ("crazy-life-stuff" including but not limited to school, work, and kid.... and taking care of his pregnant partner). Whew - and why don't I journal anymore?

So I've decided that while I'm certainly busy.... and I am busy, I want to be able to look back on this amazing time some day in the future, and remember what it was like - through my words. Journaling is great in so many ways... it allows release, and it holds a place in time.........
I'm not one to make new year's resolutions, but I have resolved to journal again and to capture these fleeting moments so I can one day look back and smile.

I hope the new year brings many blessings and smiles to all of you!

how do i love luna? let me count the ways....

2011-07-17T09:07:00.000-07:00

1. i love how whenever papa and i hug each other, you come running to us saying "luna, luna" because three-way hugs are so much better.

2. i love how you piled all of your stuffed animals on me this morning while i was still sleeping... and then you sat patiently until i opened my eyes to you and your gorgeous smile.

3. i love the way you insist sometimes on holding my hand... even if you're being pushed in the stroller, sitting in your car-seat, eating in your highchair, or being carried by papa.

4. i love the way you squeal when you see me after i've been gone a while.... fills me up.

5. i love your love of nature - and the way you collect stones and then go through your collection one by one, slowly and with great intent.

6. i love how sometimes, when we're walking with the beco, you just wrap your arms and legs around me and squeeze... and i feel your love.

7. i love the way you break out into a dance when you hear a good beat... from the cd player, a passing car on the street, your papa strumming the guitar, or the speakers at the grocery store.

8. i love how much you enjoy reading books. how you love the books aimed at children years older than you ... the ones with paragraphs and paragraphs of writing... how you sit patiently listening, eager- yet fully content.

9. i love the way you hold my cheeks in your little hands, and pull my nose to yours for a warm 'eskimo kiss'.

10. and, i love how your first words have turned into your first short sentences and how, when i ask you a question ending in "ok"?, you answer - so enthusiastically - "oh-tay"!

...to be continued....

inspiration

2011-07-01T18:31:00.001-07:00

what a crazy world we live in...

as i age, and experience... and grow... i often find myself wondering more about the lack of responsibility, and the naive perspective, the majority of those around me seem to take.

we have fit right into our sweet capitol hill home - on our friendly little block - every day setting out on foot to the market, or the park, or the library - watching the other mamas and babes in their bumblerides and phil and teds take to the same tree lined streets.... wondering when we'll meet some like minded folks... when we'll make some lasting connections.

to sum it up: i'm happy here. but to be honest, this city seems shallow. i love that so much is going on. it's actually a really great city on so many levels...... which is why it's confusing to me that, while i've met so many people with broad backgrounds and experience, i have yet hold a meaningful conversation with any of them. well, almost. i have made one friend here - thank goodness for her! but, while i'm excited about living here in DC for many reasons, i'm so let down by the empty, thoughtless lives of those surrounding me.

i really wish we, as humans, could take a more active role in the lives we live. i find myself complaining daily about the ignorance so blatant around me. why can't people be more responsible about their diets, their healthcare, their birthing options, what they put in and on and around their children, how they clean their homes, how they grow their food... why can't we stop fighting eachother, stop blindly following those before us, ask more questions, give more answers...

maybe it's just my mood tonight.

my friend, erin, is in greece right now. a crew member of the freedom flotilla to gaza. standing up for what she feels is important. making an impact... in her life and in all those that touch hers. tonight i'm thinking about her, detained by the the greek military, unable to sail - to spread her strength and love.... but standing strong.

and, as i sit here on this tranquil summer night - amidst the fireflies and dim lights of the surrounding homes, baby monitor in hand - erin is my inspiration.

greek embassy washington dc: 202-939-1300 let them sail!

spring ... in all it's glory

2011-04-15T17:03:00.000-07:00

i'm not sure why i never recognized it growing up on the east coast, but spring is really beautiful in this neck of the woods. i guess i did recognize it, but i don't know that i gave it enough credit. now, after spending many years living in other parts of the country, i have returned to live just hours from where i grew up. and after a cold and trying winter, wow(!) spring is good in DC.

it's amazing to see this city come alive. the warmth from the sun -the blossoms and green on the trees, the outdoor markets... the flowers. so lovely to take a stroll to the park - and soak it all in... and even more amazing to share the wonder with my sweet little babe... strike that.. little GIRL.

luna is definitely a dirt worshiper. she LOVES being outside (i think she loves it even more than books)... taking notice of all the beauty... fingers in the soil... nose in the flowers....

when we go to the market, she stops to smell every flower bundle on the way in... E V E R Y one. she scrutinizingly collects stones on our walks and park visits - we have a jar to save them in. she says hello and goodnight to the moon (depending on it's phase), listens to the birds, and with eyes closed breathes with the wind. nature child.

this week we visited my parents... the house i grew up in. as i walked around the land with luna collecting flowers, watching rabbits, and feeling the breeze, i realized how life has come full circle. febri, walking along side of me, asked if i used to imagine myself grown up with my own child where i had played as a little girl. i don't know that i ever did. but it caught me - the beauty of sharing with luna the very wonders i took in when i was a little one. playing in the same grass, by the same trees, captivated by the same beauty surrounding.

parenting has been a beautiful experience all around, but it took a string of recent events and the coming of spring to give such powerful perspective on the wisdom of this life we live. i've always been one to appreciate what i have, to respect the people and nature around me, and to meditate on the gifts life offers. but, being a mother has colored my days more brightly, enhancing and filling each moment with a love i could never imagine or prepare for.

there are many moments that i wish we were already living abroad. many times i've counted the months before we leave this city. but it's not because i'm uncomfortable where we are, it's because i'm anxious to get where we're going. mothering reminds me to appreciate the past, to look forward to the future, but most importantly, to enjoy and be still in the present. i'm not quite sure how we ended up where we are today, but i'm incredibly thankful for it.

in luna's cubby (as we call it). can you tell she's getting bigger?

our love, our loss... the chaos continues

2011-03-12T05:25:00.000-08:00

when luna was a newborn, she slept most soundly on my chest. she felt warmth and comfort there.. and i have to say the feeling was mutual. recently we've been working on night weaning. luna does well, but she still wakes, and it's in those moments that comfort again comes from lying on my chest. it wasn't until last night, with luna's heart to mine, that i felt all of the love and warmth and solace that closeness can bring. it poured over me, and together we comforted each other.

yesterday (3/11/11) we said a final goodbye to the spirit i had carried shortly in my womb.

6 days ago, on sunday, i noticed brown spotting while i was working. it wasn't too alarming as i had spotted in early pregnancy with luna as well.

on monday i still had brown spotting and contacted our midwife to set an appointment to listen for the heartbeat, as i was now 12 weeks pregnant.

by tuesday the spotting had turned to bright red, but was still minimal, and i had no other symptoms.

wednesday morning came and we headed to our midwife's house to check things out. after a brief time of searching for the heartbeat with the doppler, and finding none, our midwife suggested going in for a sonogram. we agreed, and headed to the hospital early that evening. after a long wait at the hospital, we were finally taken in and i saw my uterus for the first time. what an experience. unfortunately though, we saw an empty sac... there was no heartbeat... no fetus. the diagnosis - blighted ovum.

i had blamed stress for the disconnection i had this pregnancy. i couldn't focus on the growing babe inside me. i was happy about the pregnancy, but just couldn't connect with this little one the way i had so early on with luna. stress was significant in the first few weeks following the positive pregnancy test, and i thought that must be the reason. i had no time to connect. i felt a strong guilt about it. i also blamed stress for my lack of pregnancy symptoms. not having the time to rest must explain why i'm not so fatigued.

seeing an empty sac explained a lot. i understood why i couldn't connect to a babe... there wasn't one to connect to. the hospital midwife explained that, while my uterus was measuring 12 - 14 weeks, the gestational sac was only measuring 9 - 10 weeks.

she warned us that a natural miscarriage this far into pregnancy would be dangerous and difficult. she suggested a D&C, and implied that i would most likely end up in the hospital anyway due to hemorrhage or fear in going through the miscarriage at home. she offered reassurance in knowing that the hospital now had me on file so i would be quickly admitted when coming in bleeding in the middle of the miscarriage. she gave us no advice or things to look for as potential problems in the miscarriage (even when i specifically asked her), and continued to stress the DANGER.

we left the hospital feeling sad, empty, and scared. i tried calling our midwife for advice, but didn't hear back from her. we were lost in a sea of uncertainty and fear of the unknown... and weighted by our sorrow, we couldn't find a way out. thursday morning i woke feeling a bit more clear and contacted my midwife, wendy, from portland to ask for her advice. cramping had begun, and i felt them getting stronger as the day went on. the bleeding i was experiencing at this point was comparable to a light menstrual flow.. bright red blood. by thursday evening i received an email from wendy. thank goodness for her. her words brought me peace and i could feel her support - even though she was so many miles away. knowing now what to expect, i was able to embrace the miscarriage and move with it rather than against it in fear.

noticeable contractions began around 8pm thursday night. i recognized them differing from the cramping because they were coming in waves. they were mild and easy to sleep through.

at 1 am friday morning i woke with contractions that, while still mild, encouraged me to get on my feet and move around. i found it most comfortable to work through these by rotating my hips. at one point febri turned the light on and commented "you're dancing"... and, i suppose i was. everything happened quickly, contractions got very close together, and i sat on the toilet expecting to pass tissue, though not much came out. blood was still only a light flow. i began to feel clammy and dizzy and i called febri to come be with me. i put my head down low, i was sweating a lot...still clammy and dizzy, and febri rubbed my back as the contractions increased, then a few minutes later subsided. i laid down on the floor - febri brought me a banana and some water. after a couple minutes, i felt better and went back to the bedroom. within minutes i felt blood coming - i went back to the toilet and a gush of blood came from me - i felt clots fall as well. then i went back to bed (after drinking some water and eating a granola bar), it was now just after 2am, and caught an hour sleep or so.

i woke again to increasing contractions, though not as intense as before, and went back to the bathroom. i passed some blood again and started to feel cold and shiver. febri brought me a sweater, and i ate an egg. immediately, the shivering stopped. i was feeling better, but i knew it wasn't over yet. i was surprised at how easy things were going, but aware that there was more to come. febri had been collecting what my body was passing, and so far it was just some small clots and a bit of tissue. i was up and down for a bit - eating more food and staying hydrated, and continuing to go to the toilet expecting things to pass, but not seeing much. my bleeding was still light in between the bathroom trips. finally i went to the toilet and felt that there was something that needed to pass... a blood clot or something. i felt the need to push, and when i did i looked down expecting to see blood, but saw grey instead - and i knew it was the placenta. i pushed and pushed - which was an odd sensation. i wasn't feeling the uterus contracting.. and it didn't feel like i was pushing anything at all - but i knew it was there and it needed to come out. after a few pushes, the placenta and sac came out together. the sac was still intact, with fluid. i'd say the size of the placenta and sac was about equal to a grapefruit. the placenta looked healthy and it was amazing to see the gestational sac. there was little bleeding, and i felt good.

it was such a relief to see everything together and to know it was complete. i felt a calm wash over me, and ...though it's strange to say... a happiness. i felt peace.

yesterday afternoon we buried the placenta and sac in our yard. we said a prayer, and said goodbye.

and today, we move on.

life is so many things. so amazing, and sometimes so challenging. the experience of life and loss from my womb has been both amazing and challenging... and so much more. in the end, febri and i have come out stronger, more connected, and oh so grateful. and as a family, as we experience more loss, we recognize the never ending love... the balance, the beauty, the blessing... LOVE.

life goes on

2011-01-20T08:21:00.000-08:00

well... here we are, in a new house, a new year, a new job, a new school... new neighbors, friends, parks... a new way of life. we've been through a lot these past few months.

many changes - many ups - many downs.

lots of gain.. but unfortunately, lots of loss too. lots of loss.

and, through it all... life goes on.

somehow, febri and i have managed to move up and out together, stronger, closer - and more joyful.

we find ourselves on the other side - where just weeks ago, the other side seemed impossible.

here we are in a new home - a great little home - in our first choice neighborhood. we are so happy to be here. we've been slowly pulling things together - making purchases - outfitting this house with belongings to make it home. luna has her very own room - which is a first for her - all three of us appreciate it SO much! her blocks and books and snugglies all have a place... so nice! we have a sweet little back yard, which is just calling for love... and veggies come spring... and little hands digging in the dirt. we have a lovely covered front porch - that is still waiting for the right furniture to support many summer evenings watching the neighborhood go by. the park and the market are just blocks away. work is an easy 30min train ride. things are finally falling into place.

the beginnings of luna's room

i'm feeling set...well, almost. it's surprising to me - we moved to this city...leaving behind so much, and - in a lot of ways - i was unhappy about the move. yet, here i find myself more settled than i felt in portland. despite the lack of friends, we've found incredible welcome from our neighbors. friends will come, and i hardly worry about this considering we've been here for a mere 2 weeks. already i have a rhythm at the wellness center - and work is busier all the time. we love all that is at our fingertips in this city - the galleries, museums, parks... and it's all accessible and free! yesterday we spent the afternoon at the zoo ... today luna and i will go check out some art while papa works on school stuff. having these activities to do (again, for FREE!) with a child is so great! and luna can't get enough.

so, here we are. and it feels good to be here. a big part is that i feel grounded here... already ... for the first time in a LONG time. we signed a three year lease (extendable to 5), that is a big deal for us. it's long enough to put down some roots... and envision our future together.

we are home. for now.

count your blessings

2010-11-24T19:14:00.000-08:00

well... the leaves cover the ground.. the wind is blowing..

feliz navidad is seeping through the thin apartment walls of our house sit from the unit next door...

luna is sporting her hat... and some new mittens...

the grocery store was a battle ground today...

yes, it's that time of the year again.

tomorrow is thanksgiving, and while we try to reflect on the positives of our lives each night before bed (one of my favorite times with febri), thanksgiving is a particularly nice celebration in that it encourages all to be thankful.... although, many people are in it simply for the stuffed bird and pumpkin pie.

we've had a rough few months... and we're still in the thick of it.. MANY challenges are coming our way, and yet, we feel so grateful for what we have.

febri and i - each other - a love that is so strong and pure and without demands or expectations.

luNa.. our amazing baby girl... almost a year old - she's smart and healthy and beautiful - and she constantly makes us laugh and smile... and feel such pride as parents...

we have a support network around us - despite the distance we've put between ourselves and our friends and family - still, we feel the love..and it crosses the land and sea, and fills us up and makes us strong.

we have a sweet little temporary home ... rent free... while we find the perfect place to settle, and get on our feet in a new city... with a very different vibe from what we're accustomed to...

i have my incredible work - a job that pays the bills, and keeps me stimulated and intrigued, and oh so happy.... i love my work!

we're ...somehow in this crazy economy... still able to stay home with luna and keep her out of daycare and home with mama and papa where she belongs...

and the little things... the cuddles in the warm blankets, the sun on luna's face, the hot tea and the dark chocolate, febri's music and luna's dancing, the yummy creations febri cooks up in the kitchen with our wholesome organic whole-foods, the coffee shop down the street that has the WAY overpriced coffee that we still indulge in every once in a while because it's SO good...., luna's laugh and embrace.....

we are blessed....

now go on, give thanks!

happy holidays.

this too, shall pass

2010-09-26T18:49:00.000-07:00

things are different now.... and i miss the way things were...

.....not that i'd change anything, but i do miss it.

i miss the thick portland days... with the clouds and the rain, and the sunshine that makes the most fabulous array of colors in the afternoon.

i miss going to the market every day - sometimes multiple times a day - for groceries... and always finding healthy, yummy and satisfying foods.

i miss my friends... the tea, the talks, the hugs.

and of course i miss the coffee.

i miss a lot about our old life.

our new (and very temporary) life finds us - a family of three - living in a room the size of my childhood bedroom... in fact, it is my childhood bedroom...[sigh]. we've been staying with my parents for the last four weeks, and things are beginning to feel claustrophobic to me. it doesn't help that the three of us are sharing a double bed... definitely going for the king when we move into our new home! my parents have been amazing, and i love (love love) that luna is bonding with her grandparents. it's so wonderful to watch my father and my daughter explore the yard together... water the plants... pick the veggies... that is beautiful.

but, i am SO ready for us to have our own space again.

i'm ready to meet new people. i'm ready to discover a new neighborhood... with new neighbors, and new parks... new markets...

last week we took luna to the library story time in a neighborhood we're considering settling in. it was SO good to see other mamas and papas there with their little ones. it was a great group of people ... young, diverse... it was encouraging... and since then i feel as though i've been grabbing at every opportunity to find a home there and get the ball rolling on our planting some roots.... but i know it's not time yet.

we have a lot on our plate right now. this new life is full of stress. we have much to do in order to make everything happen as we want it to... and at the same time, so much is out of our hands. we're trying to get ourselves on a plane to indonesia.... and it's proving difficult for a number of reasons. and as the stresses pile up, i feel the weight on my chest...... constricting my breath.....

there have been tears... lots of tears.... and i'm sure there are many more to come.... but we move forward....

the end is not yet in sight, but i do know that this too, shall pass.

on the road

2010-08-17T22:57:00.000-07:00

it's 11pm. luna is asleep beside me. febri is watching tv (something he never gets to do at home). we are in fortuna, ca.... a million miles from home... in fact, i don't even know where home is...

2 days ago, after much stressful packing and selling (thank goodness for the loving help of friends, or i don't know how we would have managed it), we loaded up the wagon and hit the road. south through oregon and then southwest to the california coast. we have loved every minute of this adventure... us being febri and i, luna hasn't loved *every* minute. luna, however, has handled the road better than i imagined she would... she's acclimating to life in the car quite well, in fact.

today we spent some time in redwood forest and on the coast.... we had dinner at a funky little vietnamese restaurant and developed a new found love for our own home-cooked food... and then we took luna swimming in the hotel heated pool. i'm surprised i have the energy to sit and type this...but i want to get these thoughts down.

i have always been one to jump at the opportunity for travel/adventure... for change. now though, i suppose being a mother has altered things. my feelings are different, and though i'm enjoying these days on the road, i'm already anticipating our arrival on the opposite coast, and settling into a new home and rhythm. but, it will be a while before that day comes as we have more adventures in store. after we master the road and a short visit with family, we'll try our hand at international travel with an infant...

and that..... is a story for another day.

goodnight!

saying goodbye to friends

a much needed rest mid-drive

febri and luna taking in the west coast

ever amazing old-growth

summer!!!

2010-07-08T20:12:00.000-07:00

well, summer has finally arrived in the pacific northwest! it made an appearance a couple times earlier in the year, but it seems as though now it is here to stay. it's been close to 100 degrees the last two days, and tomorrow is calling for the same. to escape the heat, we decided to take advantage of one of the great things about portland ... it's proximity to the coast .... and took luna on her first beach visit!

we all had a blast!

hope you're enjoying your summer!

5 on 5

2010-05-04T20:43:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is cinco de mayo...and, tomorrow, luna will be 5 months old.

she's turning into such a little person - full of personality, expression, and love. i watch her take in the world around her... and i hold her tight..close to me, and i try to hold on to these fleeting moments. the most amazing times are when we look into each other's eyes - and time stands still - i've never had such a connection before, and it takes my breath away. this little being - that febri and i created - our love child.. she's growing up before our very eyes.

at 5 months luna can do lots of things:

*she can sit unaided! - though she usually topples over after a bit.... sometimes she catches herself with her hands... sometimes she face-plants ... she's learning :)

*luna has mastered her grasp - and she uses it for everything - including mama's hair and skin (ouch!)... and, she holds on tight to toys....until we're out in the rain, where she will surely let go :) ~ i'm learning

*she's showing a preference for certain music - a lot she is indifferent to, but certain songs she loves - and she shows us with a big smile... to other songs she promptly pouts and cries to let us know they are NOT her favorites.

*luna is not yet doing the "belly crawl", but she excels at doing 360s when placed on her tummy. it helps that she has a colorful activity mat to hold her interest .... (thanks uncle michael!) she is now more regularly rolling belly to back, and back to belly.

*she has begun thumb sucking ... this is new. up until now she has been a knuckle sucker, but it looks as though she is now preferring her thumb.

*luna is teething - big time. poor baby! i'm waiting to see the first pearly white, but i know it may be some time. we got luna an amber and hazelwood necklace from this website.. it's still too early to tell if it's easing her symptoms, but it sure is pretty on her sweet little neck :) !

luna's favorite things:

*going for neighborhood walks and visiting the neighbor's chickens.

*still LOVES taking baths

*"bubuy bulan" is her favorite song ... it's a sudanese song that papa sings to her...

"aku seorang kapiten" (an indonesian song) is a close second

she also thoroughly enjoys both "twinkle, twinkle little star" and "the itsy bitsy spider" - but i think mostly for the hand motions that i perform with them.

*luna has grown attached to her cloudb gentle giraffe... puts her right to sleep - and she's so cute snuggled up against it.

*luna enjoys stroller time (we finally got our dream ride - the 2010 uppababy vista), but still prefers being worn on mama or papa. we still use the wraps - but we've also started using a beco - and baby, mama, and papa are happy!

our tiny little baby is turning into a little person...changing every day.

here are some recent closeups:

how old?

2010-04-24T13:11:00.001-07:00

it's funny how people assume luna is a little boy all the time. it's also funny how many people ask "how old is HE?" even when she is dressed in pink from head to toe (which isn't often). i can pick out the mothers who "have been there" because they're the ones who simply ask "how old?".. leaving out the he/she. for whatever reason, fathers don't seem to learn from experience in this department..? it doesn't bother me that folks think she's a boy... and it certainly doesn't bother luna... but, i do think it's funny. here are some recent photos:

luna in a sweet little onesie made by my friend janessa (fortesdesign.com)

waking up from nap

fast asleep with papaw (my dad)

and at the chinese gardens with mia and papaw

reflections

2010-04-15T09:44:00.000-07:00

at almost 19 weeks post-partum, i think i'm finally figuring out how to do it all. some days, most days actually, i manage to not only take good care of luna, but also of myself... and pretty good care of the house as well. i've worked out a system .. wake, breakfast, vacuum, nap, shower, ... i won't bore you with the details, but i will say, i feel pretty good. in fact, i feel like wonder woman .. minus the spandex and arm cuffs.

our little house has quickly become tiny, especially with a visit from mia and papaw (my parents) last week and the addition of a jumper and rocking horse. we've been planning to move into a bigger house for some time, but that move might be a bit farther than we anticipated. more on that later.... but, for now, we're staying put in a too small house - and so, we're grateful for the sunny days that allow us to escape into the outdoors.

today luna and i had the pleasure of taking two nice walks with two amazing women (and one beautiful little baby). the combination of the sunshine, the landscape in bloom, and good conversation with close friends made for a lovely day. it's days like this that i count my blessings. and i am so blessed.

as night falls, i sit in a quiet house with a cup of tea, and a sleeping babe. just waiting in anticipation. ~tomorrow is friday...family day... a day filled with luna AND febri... snuggling, laughing, dancing- together... just the three of us. i look forward to friday all week...

the man i love

2010-04-14T19:29:00.001-07:00

it's been 3 weeks since febri started school. 3 weeks of adjusting to a new schedule. 3 weeks of going to bed with only luna. i love snuggling with my warm, sweet, angelic little babe.. but honestly, i can't shake the loneliness that exists without febri. i keep thinking it will get easier, but it's always the same... every night ... the gaping hole that febri once filled.

this is, of course, only 4 days a week - but it feels like 10 - the other 3 days we reserve for family time - where we soak up all that is febri,

all that is papa,

all that is the man i love.

in just 11 weeks, he'll be ours again. that is, until summer term begins....

april showers....

2010-03-14T17:21:00.000-07:00

daylight savings...is it already time for that? spring is coming, and as it should be, plenty of change is coming with it. febri has decided to go back to school and will be starting classes at the university here at the end of the month. he'll be going to school full time, and also continuing to work full time...it will be challenging for him...and for me....and for our family - even still, i'm so excited for him to embark on this long overdue journey. it does put a halt in our plans to move overseas, but that's only mildly disappointing considering the benefits reaped in staying stateside, and hearing the joy in my parents voices upon learning their grand-daughter would remain across the country rather than half-way around the world. as i envision how my life will be over the next few months, i gain a whole new respect for single mamas .. or mamas of multiples... i mean, i guess you do what you have to do...that's what being a mama is about....mothering.
speaking of mamas - i've been one now for over three months! luna turned 14 weeks old yesterday - and last night, she consciously grasped her first toy and pulled it to her mouth. if only you could have seen feb and i ... such proud parents! luna is also doing other fun things:

~ she loves to talk to herself (and us) in the mirror.
~ she totally gets into mimicking high voices and pouty voices - that's a really fun game!
~ peek-a-boo and story-time are now regular activities
~ she's accepted the pacifier..though not as a sucker - just as a teether..& only while hanging in the wrap (probably her favorite place). she still detests both the bottle and the car seat - but not with as much passion as before
~ she accidentally discovered that she likes drinking bath water - and it's now nearly impossible to keep her head above water during bath-time

we have begun to take luna to various baby gatherings (book babies at the library, song groups, etc) because we feel the exposure and interaction is beneficial to her development. she really seems to enjoy watching the other babes - even releasing the occasional squeal of delight. and, she's growing - right before my very eyes.

spring will bring more changes, as we plan for travel, a wedding, and a crawling baby... and it will also spring newness, beauty, and a fresh perspective.... and so, we welcome it with open arms.

here's squeakin' at you, kid

2010-02-22T17:14:00.000-08:00

lots of new-ness around here...which i guess can be expected with a newborn in the house.
this week luna had her first encounter with a stranger who made her cry. we were in whole foods getting rice in the bulk isle. luna was happily taking in the sites from the safety of the sleepy wrap when a woman walked up to us and commented on how beautiful she thinks mixed race babies are ~ luna being no exception. ok, i said thank you - and she asked if she could touch luna on the outside of the wrap...i appreciated her asking. it surprises me how many people will just up and touch a baby...their hands, their cheeks...i know babies are cute, but come on people - what germs are you passing on to my knuckle-sucking little babe? anyway, i told her to go ahead and touch away (she wasn't touching luna after all). but then, she let loose into full on baby talk...calling luna a "yum yum head" and other things just as ridiculous that i can't remember now...finally luna just started screaming, letting the whole grocery store know of her disapproval. febri and i smiled, and calmed luna down - and the lady apologized and went on her way. i don't blame luna...that sort of thing doesn't happen every day. up until now, it has been all smiles for everyone she meets. after that incident though, i braced myself every time someone wanted to say hi to luna, thinking the tears might burst free again...but, they didn't...again - just smiles. my cute babe!

luna got her first teether toy - the infamous sophie giraffe. she loves it! febri and i, not knowing what teether is better than the next, decided to just go with the popular one. we're happy we did - it's so cute to see luna smile and laugh when she sees sophie and hears her squeak. it's torture, though, for poor namaali - lover of squeaky toys. first, we have a baby who gets all the attention ... and now, she gets the new squeaky toys too. but, i have to say - this amazing dog - she has been very respectful of luna's right to also own a squeaky toy. however, we're careful not to leave sophie within doggy reach when we leave the house....

luna also got some new clothes! in case you forgot, we thought luna was a boy while she was still in the womb. we bought clothes that were suitable for a boy...though not the dump truck, doggy, and tool chest kind of boy clothes... just cute 'boy colored' clothes - that could be worn on a girl...just in case. so, luna has been wearing some super cute clothes...only, everyone she meets thinks she's a boy - just because her pants are blue. so...since she's grown out of so many of her boy's apparel line, we bagged up the too-small clothes, and made a trip to the consignment shop. it was SO much fun shopping in the girls section! we found some great bargains - and with the trade in, it all only cost a couple bucks. i'll post pictures of this sweet little girl (sometimes still called a boy) in her new duds soon!

until then, all is well in luna's land.....

2 months...where's the pause button?

2010-02-11T14:00:00.000-08:00

yesterday i visited my friend crystal. she's over-due, at 41 and a half weeks, with her first babe. she's holding up wonderfully, and it was a pleasure to see her in all her beauty and abundance ~ it took me back to how those final days before labor felt. the fullness, the excitement, the anticipation...

how can it be that 10 weeks have passed since i was in crystal's shoes? my little girl is over two months old now...she's growing up so fast already!! everyone warns you how the time will fly...it is flying, and i'm sure it will continue blaze past.

luna is on a roll in the development department. it's so amazing to watch her learn and discover the ways her body works, and it's beautiful to witness her reactions to the world around her. she is finally giving namaali some attention - and luna's hands and feet are also frequently acknowledged.

at 2 months:

*luna seems to really enjoy tummy-time. i think she likes the workout. she hasn't quite mastered the art of rolling...but she sure is getting close.

*she's becoming a pro at head control. i'm so excited to be able to hold her differently in the wrap ... but i want to give it a few more weeks ....

*luna now has a bedtime - and it's WONDERFUL. she's eased right into this routine and she will generally sleep 7-8 hours before she's ready to eat, then another 3 hours. it's been great for febri and i - we are able to have some time together to connect again apart from luna...not to mention the extra sleep time.

*she loves to stand while being supported...her legs are really strong, and she kicks them wildly about while lying on the floor. she's also taken to kicking me awake at night...i'm not sure if i prefer kicks or cries....hmmm?

*luna is discovering more and more sounds everyday.. and laughing at new sounds she hears from us... we seem to greatly amuse her, which of course amuses us in return. and conversations with this girl are becoming quite lengthy...she's a talker!

*she is pretty much only in 3-6 month clothes now, and her hats actually fit her head rather than falling over her eyes.

we continue to be the proud parents that we are, and we delight in time spent with this gorgeous growing babe. i finally caught that brilliant smile on film:

and here are a few more cuts from a typical day in luna's life:

the adventure continues.....

life is beautiful

2010-02-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

what do i feel today..at this very moment..in my life?

bliss

i woke this morning to a beautiful baby on my right side and a handsome man on my left side...all 3 of us, snuggled together in a fluffy, soft, warm bed. luna slept almost 7 hours straight last night..that's a record! so we're all (including namaali) well rested today. after having her morning milk at 6am, luna nestled in bed with me as we watched the amazing man we call 'papa' get ready for work. i thought to myself how perfect life was at that exact moment...how happy i felt to be rested, and warm, and loved...and surrounded by the ones i love. so simple a moment - and yet, so right.

through his actions, febri perpetually reminds me why i fell for him...and why i continue to every day. not only is he an incredible man - going above and beyond what i expect from a partner, but he is an exceptional father as well. seeing him with luna melts my heart... every time.

namaali's chaos

2010-01-28T19:01:00.000-08:00

so, everyone said it would happen.....

you have a baby, and the dog gets ignored.

it happened. namaali - my beautiful, loving, intelligent dog... she's been my baby for the last 10 years... now we have a new baby... and, i hate to admit it, there's no love for namaali. well, there is love - but not what she's been used to prior to luna. i think she gets it - but, i feel guilty, and yet....

just as the three of us have adjusted to this new life together, namaali has had to adjust to life in a household with a newborn. at first she was confused and lost..she didn't eat for days, and wandered aimlessly around the house eventually settling in places where she would be 'out of the way'. it took a good week or two for namaali to acclimate to living with a crying baby - her whole schedule being turned upside down as she undoubtedly wondered why we were up and about all night long. after she adjusted to the new schedule, she went through a period of curiosity and became quite protective of our little one. she stayed close to luna whenever there were visitors, and ran to the room to check on luna whenever she cried. it was very sweet...it still is. only now, namaali just checks on luna when she makes strange noises - like the random cough-burps that she occasionally throws out there. like i said, namaali seems to 'get it' - and i think she's ok with it...but i'm feeling bad, and promising namaali lots of long walks and doggie treats ... well, once this rain lets up.

until then, namaali has returned to her old ways of watching the neighbors from the window, getting really excited when febri gets home from work, following me around the house, and thinking all visitors are here to see her (of course)...the rest of the time, she sleeps...she is 10 years old after all.

namaali - such an amazing soul..we love her...
it's sad, and it's unfair, but it is true what they say - somehow, amidst the chaos of life with baby, the dog gets ignored :(

on a positive note - luna has just started to take interest in namaali...it wont be long before they're sharing kisses and crackers... brighter days ahead for this beautiful dog!

sinking in

2010-01-21T10:47:00.000-08:00

so, it's finally beginning to sink in... i'm a mama

luna is now six and a half weeks old..and growing each day. we're developing a routine...nights are easier with her waking only once (woohoo!)...but, it's sinking in that my days of sleeping as late as i'd like are behind me.

we're big baby wearers in this house. most times on any given day, luna can be found in a wrap on either febri or i. the organic sleepy wrap is our favorite....we like the moby too. after a wake-up time (which involves sitting in bed face to face with luna chattering away), a fresh diaper, and a feed, luna goes into the wrap so i can cook some breakfast. she usually falls asleep within 15 minutes. routine makes life so much easier with a newborn :). luna and i do everything with the wrap...aside from the obvious of taking nice strolls outside- luna watches me wash the dishes, vacuum, do the laundry...and it's sinking in that it will be a long time before i'm able to pee solo again.

luna is changing in so many ways. every day is exciting, as she discovers something new.

*she has now mastered the perfect smile..you know, the one that makes even the worst day bright again. and, much to our delight, she has begun to laugh at our silliness...and at other things that we can't see... she also converses with us on a regular basis - trying out new sounds all the time.

*luna has begun to use her hands. she likes to grasp hair, fingers, and fabric - and pulls on clothes and the wrap when nursing (or just being carried around). she also like to clasp her hands together, and put them in her mouth.

*finally those mobiles we've had sitting around the house are keeping her attention. she now actually enjoys sitting in her bouncy chair and fixing her eyes on the little bug mobile that we've attached....this is so nice for some baby free time when i'm the only one home (washing my face, brushing my teeth, eating...these are all hard to do with a baby on board).

*luna seems to enjoy tummy-time. she pushes on her arms and kicks her feet around. sometimes she rolls onto her side ~ hasn't rolled all the way to her back yet.

*loud sounds now startle her (if sleeping) and scare her (if awake). she used to sleep through anything - and didn't mind loud sounds while awake - but now.... the dog barking, the washing machine buzzing, the telephone ringing, even a loud voice - can wake her up or make her cry...sometimes both. we've taken to playing white noise at night to help her sleep more deeply - and we kind of like it too. febri woke the other night and asked if we had arrived yet...this puzzled me - until i remembered us joking about how we feel as though we're in an airplane with the white noise on... :)
airplane : womb ......... hmmm.....

here are some things luna hates:

bottles
pacifiers
car seats

part of me is proud of my natural baby refusing to take a bottle or a pacifier - not happy with anything but breast...just as nature intended...i can't blame her. but, another part of me is horrified at the thought of luna relying on only breast for food and comfort...especially as the time nears for me to resume seeing clients again. for now i'm not pushing it - hoping luna will be more accepting with age...i realize this is probably foolish, but....
as for the car seat: is there anything worse than hearing/watching your baby cry while on the road - knowing there is nothing you can do to calm her aside from pulling the car over and picking her up (we've done that)? and i'm not talking run of the mill fussiness - this is screaming, blood curdling, break your heart crying. she hates the car seat - thought she would get used to it...hasn't happened yet. maybe if we start using a car more regularly..as for now, she's only been on a handful of car rides....

oh baby - if you could accept these 3 things into your life, life for mama and papa would be so much easier!

yes, it's sinking in...i am a mama.
so far, motherhood is a good fit.

the chaos and beauty of birth

2010-01-20T22:36:00.000-08:00

the clues

the day it all began, things were pretty ordinary....or, at least what i had become accustomed to in the last weeks of pregnancy. braxton hicks contractions were frequent... i felt heavy..crampy.. my back hurt..my legs hurt..... i was ready. it was one day past my due date (and one day before the due date my midwives had on record...long story there). i was waiting for my friend to come visit and give me an acupuncture induction - and wondering if that would move things along. about an hour later, i got a call from my friend - she had never been to our new house, and failed in her attempt to find it (portland neighborhoods can be tricky sometimes). she is a rad lady who doesn't rely on a cell phone - which is great...except in situations like these. she had to drive all the way home, and then call from there to tell me she couldn't find me - instead of her coming back that night, we decided to reschedule for the following afternoon.
when febri got home, i asked if he would apply pressure to the points on my back that erin would have needled. while he did that, i needled the points i could reach easily, and felt i had a pretty good treatment...all things considered. febri made dinner, and i caught up on email. it was during this time (around 7 pm) i realized my braxton hicks contractions were really frequent...coming anywhere from 5-8 minutes apart. i started recording them - more out of curiosity than anything else. febri made an amazing dinner, as usual, and i was bummed that i felt really full - and a little uncomfortable - and just couldn't eat more than a few bites. that was weird...
after dinner we decided to go for a walk to see if the contractions would pick up at all....it was so cold outside!....we walked around the neighborhood, and things did get stronger..i even had to stop a couple times. still, i wasn't convinced things were happening...after coming home we layed in bed and put a movie on...i felt fine, and went to sleep around 11:30. at 1am a contraction woke me...a painful one....whoa. febri was enjoying his friday night with movie #2. i went to the bathroom, then got back into bed - wham! - another contraction - 5min from the first. i turned to febri and suggested he get some sleep - this could be the start of labor. he turned the computer off, and started to get comfortable. another contraction...again 5 min...ok, i told febri - you better get the birthpool ready, this is it!

the labor

contractions were coming every five minutes. between them, i was helping febri prepare for the birth....putting plastic over the bed, setting up the lights and music, lighting the labor candle that had been filled with blessings from those at our baby shower. it wasn't long though (about an hour) before i was unable to continue helping because the contractions were intense, and i needed to rest between them. they continued to come very 5 minutes, but were growing in strength...i found the best position to be in was on all fours - or supporting myself with the birth ball. febri rubbed my back during the rushes and i was surprised at how exhausted i was after each one.
around 3:30am we paged the midwife. she called back quickly, and i answered the phone. i told her what was happening, and i had to put the phone down through a contraction - she told us to call her back in about an hour to let her know how it was going. i continued to labor as febri continued filling the pool. i was feeling weak, so decided to have a spoonful of peanut butter and some orange juice. at some point through all of this, i went to the bathroom and noticed blood when wiping...i took this as proof that my cervix was dilating! after another 2 hours, we called linda (our midwife) again. she told us she was going to walk her dog and would be over shortly... febri got on the phone with her and this time told her what i had left out - that my contractions had actually started at 7pm the previous evening - (i had only deemed the *painful* contractions important information to relay) linda said she'd be right over.
i started to feel really nauseous after each contraction - febri brought me a bowl in case i needed to vomit, but i never had to use it. i was also getting really shaky...i took these signs to mean i was in transition... but it was all the same to me. contractions were still about 5 minutes apart, and continuing to grow in intensity. i was now moaning through each rush...and falling asleep between them. when linda arrived (around 6:30 or 7am), she checked my pulse and blood pressure, and the baby's heartbeat. she also gave me what would be my one and only internal exam my entire pregnancy and announced that i was 6cm dilated. woohoo...over half way! this is where things really begin to become a blur.
linda asked me for a urine test...i took the stick into the bathroom, but completely forgot to use it. what i did discover was a large bloody show and mucous plug...ok - here we go! i continued laboring on the floor in the living room. as i felt each contraction coming i called for febri for support. he was my rock through labor - i could not have done it without him....well, i would have done it - no choice, but febri was the only thing i was concerned about. i put all of my focus on him, and as labor proceeded i began to panic if he wasn't near when i felt the next contraction building. i was also keenly focused on the pain of each rush...i realize now that things may have been easier if my focus were less on the pain - but at the time, i was very much in it - consumed.. i experienced labor to its full extent. linda decided to leave febri and i alone, and went to the bedroom to rest a while. i felt the contractions becoming more difficult to get though...my moans became louder...and i wanted to move to the pool. i was concerned my contractions, still at 5 min, might slow down if i got into the water, so i decided to hold out a little longer. as the contractions grew in intensity, i made it my goal to get through one at a time. when i thought i couldn't take the pain of another rush, i promised myself to make it through one more - then i would reward myself by moving to the birthing pool. i made this promise several times and continued to labor out of the water - every minute my mind building the birthing pool up as a warm water oasis that would diminish all pain...ahhh, what a reward for all of my hard work!
finally i decided it was time. i walked to the bedroom and asked linda if she thought it was too early for me to get in the water. she said to give it a go - if labor slowed, i could always get out. febri helped me into the pool - the water felt warm as i reclined and waited for the next contraction, which would be,undoubtedly, pain free. i was SO disappointed when the next contraction (and each thereafter) came with the same pain and intensity as those before. being in the water made NO difference...boo! well, no matter, i had to continue laboring..and so, that's what i did. the water didn't slow the contractions ~ in fact, it seemed to speed them up a bit. i was progressing well when debbie, the assistant midwife arrived. debbie brought with her a breath of fresh air - and i felt a little bit rejuvenated ~ maybe it was the brief reconnection i had with the outside world.
the last two hours of labor i remember very little of... i know i was leaning over the side of the tub - still on all fours for each contraction - and drinking lots of water in between. the contractions got stronger and i could feel the heaviness of the baby descending........the midwives checked things out and decided it would be best for me to get out of the water so they could pull the anterior lip of my cervix over the baby's head to help things progress. i got out of the water and layed on the floor. linda proceeded to move the cervical lip - and POP! my water broke and gushed onto the floor. i then got back into the pool and awaited my next contraction. this, i think, is when things really started moving along. i felt a burning pressure - and though the intensity of each contraction came every couple minutes, the burning pressure was continuous. this part of labor was tough - but satisfying because i could feel the progress - the baby was coming! i pushed for a while (actually, all told, i pushed for just under an hour) and could feel the baby crowning. however, at the end of each contraction, i felt her head move back up the cervix. finally, linda and debbie suggested taking a new position by turning over on my back to labor. they were afraid the baby would go into distress if in the birth canal too long. i wasn't thrilled to take this new position, but i felt the midwives knew best - so over i went.

the birth

this new position didn't feel as uncomfortable as i had dreaded. once i was on my back, i heard febri yell out in surprise and excitement, and i looked down to see the crowning of my baby and her full head of hair. this moment caught my breath - it was awesome. debbie told me to reach down and feel my baby - i did.....amazing. but, i was still in a lot of pain - and i was ready to finish this! when linda suggested i feel my baby again, i promptly informed her i already had, and i was ready to push. i was instructed to push gently with the next contraction...i didn't know what that meant. when i felt the rush come on, i pushed - and pushed - until i felt her head come out. debbie told me to keep pushing - i asked if i could rest a minute (this was hard work!) - she said no, she's almost here - push! i pushed, and felt the great release and relief as my baby came out of my body and into the water. i pulled her to my chest and gazed at her as the world around me fell away completely. it was just me and my baby - and i was so proud, and so in love - immediately...what an incredible feeling! i couldn't believe how perfect she was - every last bit of her... perfect. gradually, the voices around me filtered through the haze, and i heard voices asking if it was a boy or girl. this hadn't even occurred to me, as we were expecting a boy. the low lights and murky water made it hard to see, so i reached down to feel, and thought..hmmm...., this doesn't feel like a boy. i said - i think it's a girl! someone got a flashlight and shined it on her - sure enough, a girl. i heard febri on the phone announcing luna's arrival to my parents - i could hear the joy in his voice...such a happy moment!

the afterbirth ----- story to come.....

this little piggy

2010-01-07T10:09:00.000-08:00

yet another night of being awakened by luna. not because she's crying, but because she's grunting... in her sleep. luna still sleeps next to me in bed. we're trying to establish a routine before moving her to her cradle... which, by the way is right next to the bed, therefore failing to mask the noises that come from that cute little baby. i don't mind them really... in fact, i think they're really sweet. my baby. and, i'd much rather wake to grunts and squeaks, and pull luna to my breast before she's worked up, than wake to her cries. this way, too, luna is in that slumber land... not fully awake, and able to fall right to sleep again after feeding. those noises though..... and why don't they wake febri? most of the time, i think she sounds like a little pig.. :) ... but sometimes, like a bird - or a squirrel. she also peeps and pops...but the grunts are what really get me - sometimes she grunts while she's stretching, and it's so cute! my baby. do all babies do this? maybe it runs in the family? my grandpa was a wilbur......

two days ago, luna was officially one month old. the day before that, she was lying on the floor looking around the room, and she smiled. i don't know what she smiled at - but she smiled. and this was a big deal, because up until this point, luna had only smiled in her sleep. i was so happy, and thought it wouldn't be long before she flashed that smile right at me.
yesterday - she did! it was early in the morning...luna was awake and full, and we were sitting in bed 'talking' to each other - and she smiled at me! my heart melted... then she smiled again - looking at me with those big brown eyes. how gratifying - that first smile! i called febri (who was getting ready for work) - he came to the room - guess what? he got a smile too! great way to start the day... thank you luna! today she's handing out more smiles, and each one goes straight to my heart. and i realize these moments are fleeting... she's already growing so fast, and yet she's still so new. so, i'm taking it all in...every minute of every day - and again, i feel so blessed.

also of big importance in our lives:
luna is establishing a nightly routine. for the last week or so now she wakes, like clockwork, at 1am, 3am, and 5am for feedings. this is great because now my body is used to it and able to handle the sleep breaks without trouble. we both fall right back to dreamland after luna eats and gets a fresh diaper. she has also shifted her lucid time during the daylight hours... preferring to stay awake after a morning nap until around 4pm. this is a long stretch for her... i've been trying to get her to take an afternoon nap, then stay awake later into the evening. last night = success!! she woke from an afternoon nap around 3:30 and was awake until 9:30pm. after a bath and a feeding, she slept until 2am. then until 4:30. then until 8am! woohoo! last night was wonderful. i know it's too early to get excited, but...
these last couple days have brought much in the way of optimism and magic (ahh those smiles!).

oh, the wonders of parenting....

our bundle of joy - 1 month already!

2009-12-31T17:48:00.000-08:00

in 5 days, luna will be 1 month old.

fastest month of my life. the days all blur together into one really long one....and the beauty of all the moments shared with the man i love and the baby we created fill me up. it's still hard to believe i'm a mama..and yet, as i sit here typing this with luna fast asleep on my chest, it's hard to imagine life any other way.

she has already changed so much in the 26 days of her little life. physically, luna's hair is turning lighter (and more plentiful), as her skin turns darker. she is putting on weight like a champ, she has already outgrown some of her newborn clothes! i feel so good about our relationship to breast-feeding...it has come quite naturally to us (and i know that's not always the case). and, i'm relieved that the once daunting task of cutting tiny little fingernails is a breeze, because they grow SO FAST!

we've also seen loads of developmental growth:

luna tracks objects with her eyes.
she has started to coo..... so cute!
she responds to voices by turning her head in that direction
she's making lots of new expressions - which makes us laugh!
and, luna definitely shows a preference for music - she really loves it!

we had a little battle with what we were afraid was colic for about a week - but it seems to have gone away completely...thank goodness! and, for the last two days, luna has decided she likes to sleep at night, and stay awake more during the day!! we can only hope this trend continues...

oh, she is so beautiful, our little moon child. it's hard to believe that luna can get any cuter, or make us any happier...yet, every day she does just that.

beautiful luna

2009-12-12T10:54:00.000-08:00

well...she didn't come with the rain, but she did come with a cold wind (brrrr...20 degrees is cold for portland). it carried her right into our waiting arms, and we feel so blessed!

december 5, 2009 we welcomed our baby GIRL into our world. there were many beautiful experiences and discoveries that day, and in the days following, and having a daughter (and not a son, like we expected) was just one of them. and it feels wonderful and true. we have a daughter..we are mama and papa....we can't stop looking at her and holding her and kissing her...and feeling like the luckiest people on the planet....totally blissed out.

and that wind that accompanied her...well, we've been able to avoid it and the cold (and the predicted ice storm today)....and snuggle inside, in bed, the three of us...together...love...the way it should be. so blessed.

we named her on the third day after her birth. her name is luna. it is so fitting, she embodies that energy that i feel with the moon...she is a special being...i feel that. we are so proud. we are so happy. we are so in love. and, yes, so blessed.

today she is 1 week old...the time has flown by - but the stillness remains...and we are taking it in and enjoying it. soon i will share our birth story...for today i will simply share our happiness and our luna.

the wait continues.....or does it?

2009-12-04T16:11:00.001-08:00

so, i think i can safely say things are interesting....maybe this is a sign of impending labor?? ah, one can only hope.

last night i got a headache. i don't get headaches...ever. but, last night i got one while laying in bed. it was uncomfortable..but i was exhausted - and i fell asleep...i did wake to painful contractions a few times - but i fell right back asleep after each one. now it's 4:30pm....guess what? i have a headache again. what is this, if not related to the pregnancy? perhaps my blood pressure is up? i know many women experience a rise in BP when labor is starting... then again, more probable, and what i'm more inclined to believe, is that it's just a headache.. nothing more.

i'm waiting for a friend to come over now. she is going to give me my first official induction via acupuncture. i would do it myself, but the points are hard to reach - and the treatment is not really effective unless i use those points. so, we'll see what happens. i have to say, i'm really torn over this. i give induction treatments to women in my clinic all the time - always telling them (and i fully believe this) that it won't work unless the baby is ready to come - although, i must say, my success rate is enormously high. with that said, when it comes to myself, i hesitate in inducing. i feel i am somehow gypping my baby out of his right to precious time in my womb...even though i believe the treatment will not have any effect on me or the babe unless the time is right for both of us. still....
another part of me is ready to get this show on the road. it's getting more difficult to cope in this undefined space...not quite a mother...not quite my old self...just waiting for the next chapter. if this little one is ready, and just needs a nudge, i think it's time to give him one. we may all be better for it. then again, if this nudge fails to progress labor, my babe will be free to bake in my womb a bit longer..and, i'll leave his delivery date up to him (within reason, of course).

the house we are renting was recently put on the market. tomorrow the landlords are coming by to show the place - so febri, myself and our pooch are heading out for a morning walk and most likely a cup of coffee. originally we thought we may be moving out of the country before the house sells...however, those plans have been put on hold. then, we thought it would be months before any real interest in the house was shown...last week..that's when it went on the market - 1 week, and already someone interested enough to view the basement apartment (which we rent). we are becoming more aware that we may be forced to move in less than two months...with a newborn...ayeeeee! also, we have the added difficulty of finding a rental that accepts large dogs, and that will provide us with a short-term lease (which permits us to leave the country should our plans change). whew.... i keep telling myself to focus on one thing at a time...and, first thing's first - let's have this baby!

casting

2009-12-03T14:41:00.001-08:00

here are photos of the belly cast - for those of you interested. we are still going to gesso (to make it a little stronger), and put a finish on it. not sure what yet...
anyway, we think it makes a lovely fruit bowl...

still waiting...

2009-12-02T21:38:00.000-08:00

so, the big "due date" is tomorrow. throughout this entire pregnancy, i've been content to only use that date as an estimate...give or take a couple weeks....however, now that we're so close, it's hard to not give it more credit. and, as the days go by, it gets harder and harder to patiently wait. my mom had both my brother and i on our due dates. maybe its genetic... :)
however - it's now 9:30pm, and it's been a while since i've felt a contraction...so, it doesn't look promising...but, you never know what could happen overnight....

over the last week, we've had 3 false alarms..each one growing in intensity. the latest was 2 nights ago when contractions - actual painful contractions - woke me from sleep and continued as i tossed and turned - unable to get comfortable as each one jolted me... i considered this time it might actually be the start of labor - and, if so, i should at least try to sleep a bit (it was only 2am). so, i eventually fell asleep - only to awake later to mere mild tightenings...
we saw the midwife yesterday - she informed us that "there are usually about 3 false labors before the real thing in first time moms"... so, the next one must be it! :)
the good in these false alarms is that they've allowed us to become more prepared for the real deal. for example - we discovered we are unable to adjust the water heater...bummer! we had planned to turn the heat all the way up to make filling the birthing pool more effective. however, now we've changed plans and we've been gathering large pots in order to boil water on the stove. this may be a little more spotty when the big day comes, but...at least we're prepared!

last week we were at the market picking up a few things. a lady kept popping up in the isle beside me smiling. hmmm....ok.......
finally she commented on how great i look.
thanks.
"really", she insisted, "you look great"...
i thanked her again and proceeded with my shopping....
she continued: "you'll do wonderful"..."don't worry, when you think you can't, just remember the long line of women you're following, and you'll pull through".... "it will be so beautiful, ....is this your first?"
yes, i say.
she went on to inform me that she *used* to be a homebirth midwife...and then told me a few more times how great i am, and how great it will be....
whew!
both appreciative of her kind words and wanting to run and hide, i searched the store for febri - he always misses these things!

it's funny what people say to pregnant women. i've had quite a few interesting conversations with people who would probably have never spoken to me had my belly not been protruding so far from the rest of me. luckily, my interactions with the public have not included those who like to handle the bump... that would NOT be ok. i feel for all the women who go through those unfortunate experiences.
a little while ago, i was downtown sitting on a park bench, waiting for febri. an old mexican woman came and sat beside me. after a little bit, she commented on the fact that i was pregnant. yes.... she went on the tell me that i would deliver the baby "tomorrow"... she knew this because she had mothered 7 children, and apparently, that had given her the gift of predicting birth-dates. after sharing this pearl of wisdom, she excused herself, and continued on her way.... hmmm...

so here i sit, with tomorrow looming over me....anxious... what will the next 24 hours bring??

come rain, come baby

2009-11-27T13:32:00.000-08:00

rain has become a regular guest, as seems to be the norm here in the pacific northwest this time of the year. the other day, as i was walking with namaali (our 100lb malamute mix), the wind blew fallen leaves and the rain fell lightly...and it was so beautiful...and i thought to myself "what a perfect day to welcome our little one". of course, our 'little one' didn't feel the same, as he still sits in my womb as i type this...and, that's ok. what's nice though, is that i thought about having a baby during this season, and about how right that feels... to be locked away in our warm, dry little nest getting to know each other as a new family....ahh..the thought of that is so wonderful. baked food and warm candles, blankets, snuggling, staying close...and having the *best* reason to not go out into the cold rain. and, i feel lucky that we found this home (we just moved here in august)...a great home to welcome our babe.. tucked away in the corner of a quiet neighborhood...secluded, yet still in the city... landlords who support our choices - just this morning they stopped over with a gift for the baby - an organic sleeper set ... so sweet....
we feel blessed

today i am only 6 days from my due date. i have been sending my thoughts and words to my babe, telling him we are ready for him - whenever he is ready to come. so far, it seems he is more than happy to chill where he is. i'm not feeling pushy - in fact, i'm enjoying these last few days feeling this amazing closeness to my baby. taking in each moment...the little kicks and movements, my own embrace of my belly like it's never been before, the anticipation of labor...of seizing this new, extraordinary experience...and then, becoming a mother. i'm relishing these last days - as 'jennifer' - before adorning myself with the title 'mama' - of alone time, of quiet time with febri..just us, ....looking forward to the coming experience, but resisting the feeling of want to kick start the inevitable process.

we will wait, and breathe, and give thanks. and one day, very soon...maybe with the rain...will come our special gift - and we will rejoice...and love..and a new journey will begin.

the waiting game

2009-11-19T12:28:00.000-08:00

38 weeks today. Woohoo!

For the last 3 weeks, we have been preparing for the arrival of this baby "any day now" (as we've been telling people when asked). At this point, officially 9 1/2 months into pregnancy, I'm finally feeling ready to meet this little person we're bringing into the world. I have to say, Mother Nature planned human gestation just right...giving couples months to accept and fully acknowledge the "pregnancy" part of things..and become comfortable with the idea...only to then realize that it's just a few weeks (what!?) before a baby - an actual live baby - is here. Any longer though, and the amazing woman - in all her capacity of carrying this growing child - would be completely burnt out on the whole "pregnancy" thing. And, once you've accepted the "baby is coming any day now", it really does become like christmas eve as a child...feeling you just can't wait to open the gifts...stealing peaks, or shaking the presents when no one is watching.
And that's what it's like...not for us, per say - but I do think of all the mama's and papa's to be who get one more ultrasound (taking a peek), and mama's who repeatedly have their cervix checked (shaking the box perhaps??)... The persistent wonder of how far along we are...are we making progress...the big question, and it's million dollar answer - "when will this baby be here?"... Who can blame parents to be - what bigger gift in life than the arrival of your baby?

I'm happy that Febri and I have chosen such a natural journey through pregnancy. I feel it's made things easier along the way - it's certainly narrowed down choices and expenses, and I think it's kept our focus on the baby and our trust in the process. And it's been a really beautiful experience..and the best part is yet to come!

Over the last 3 weeks, we've prepared the house for birth..making many so called "last" runs to the store before baby - to pick up supplies we forgot on the previous "last" trip. We're feeling set now - with birthing pool, receiving blankets, mood lighting, and birth blanket - among other countless supplies. We sewed some beautiful fabric to wrap the placenta in in the days following the birth, until the baby and placenta naturally separate from each other. We even made a play-list for the labor..and walked through a labor "fire-drill" - so Febri could feel more comfortable when the real thing happens. We completed the belly cast - which is still drying, but has so far turned out beautifully. And we, thank goodness, adore our maternity photos - including the one above...

We're ready little one...and now, we've begun to play the waiting game.

hold on, here we go!

2009-10-30T16:35:00.000-07:00

so...i'm pregnant. and, i feel very pregnant. i guess i am very pregnant...at least according to some people. i'm now 35 weeks - that's only 2 weeks from full term - 13 days actually, but who's counting? i wouldn't mind all the very pregnant symptoms if only we were already past the 37 week point. i don't want to have this little bambino in a hospital...and week 37 is the earliest my midwives will perform a home-birth. so, here we are...counting the days...and i'm trying to stay off my feet as much as possible while we do.

this week my friends are going to help me make a belly cast. this is something i wasn't initially interested in doing..i mean - what do you do with it once you've finished?? i know some people hang it on the wall...that's cool - whatever...but we're not really at a point in our lives where collecting irregularly shaped art is possible. have i mentioned we're moving to indonesia sometime in the next year? maybe as early as 3 months? anyway... the more i thought about it, the more i thought making a bowl from the belly cast would be cool. at least, in my mind it's VERY cool - we'll see when it's actually finished. i saw this website online where people cast their bellies, then send them to a company that bronzes them...the bowls all come out with their very own tones...pretty neat. pretty expensive too - and i'd be happy with just a large fruit bowl..well, again, in my mind...we will see.

the chaos of maternity photography

2009-10-23T14:37:00.000-07:00

Well, tomorrow we're going to have maternity photos taken. In theory, this seems like a great idea - I mean, I want to remember what my belly looks like...and unfortunately we haven't been great with documenting...
But, in actuality, maternity photography is crap. I don't know why everything baby (even remotely baby) has to be so cheesy. Photographers should be able to capture this fleeting moment...which is the most amazing life experience....without playing on society's pastel inclinations. Luckily, with the help of craigslist, we were able to find a photographer fresh out of school whose portfolio exhibits her amazing use of natural light in edgy imagery. We're thrilled she's interested in stepping into this peaches-and-cream world with us...and we look forward to beautiful photos that illustrate the reality of our current lives with this little one inside.

Lately, I've been feeling more pregnant. Now almost 35 weeks through this adventure, it's getting harder to get up and down, out of bed, off the couch, off the bus, up the stairs....you name it. Considering though that I am still able to do these things...just a little slower than normal....I think I can safely say this has been an easy pregnancy. Fingers crossed, I hope the last few weeks prenatal continue to be good to me and the little babe. I'm waiting for that day when I wake up proclaiming "ok, enough! get this baby out of me!!" So far though, so good....pregnancy has been, for the most part, enjoyable. So for now, we shall sit back and watch the next few days and weeks unfold....we can't wait to meet -face to face- this little life we've created.

the chaos begins....

2009-10-16T11:41:00.000-07:00

So this is a new blog...my first post. I've blogged before, but thought it would be nice to vent about life in a new format...here I am.

Here I am...33 weeks pregnant. Whoa! When did that happen? That's how I feel. The pregnancy, as a whole, has been the most amazing experience..nothing compares. But, wow - it can really throw a woman for a loop! My head is spinning as I think about the last 8 months...and the next 10 weeks! Hard to imagine too much beyond that. For now.. that is enough.

Today is one of those days (there haven't been many) where I feel sad...out of control sad...like everything makes me cry sad...what is this? I have never had emotions like this outside of being pregnant. But they've slammed me in the face now a few times.
We're having our baby shower/blessing tomorrow. I'm feeling 100% unprepared! So much to do still...and here I am....sad..not really functioning on the level I need to be to actually be productive. And, why are we having this celebration? To honor the little babe inside....to celebrate this amazing thing that's happening....bringing a life into the world...gosh..what's worth celebrating, if not that?? And I really want to pull it together for this little one...and yet, because I'm pregnant, I can't.....I'm sad.....oh, life.

Last night we inflated the birthing pool. It was delivered day before yesterday with a big neon sticker instructing us to "OPEN IMMEDIATELY" but to not use anything sharp...duh. We arrived home around 9:30 - I was exhausted.. to find the package with instructions to be carried out within 48hrs.... what? Really? Is any pregnant woman really in a place where she has the time within a 48hr window to lug a heavy box inside....peel off tape (graciously applied, mind you) with fingernails (as not to use anything sharp)... and proceed to inflate this enormous pool? .....Last night, we undertook this task - our 48hr window dwindling ...even though we had more pressing things (preparing for baby blessing)... and finished in a little over an hour...everything checked out...no need to return...whew. I realized as I climbed inside the pool how the birth...the actual birth...still doesn't seem like a reality. The pregnancy certainly is, and the baby being here in our arms is fathomable...but the labor and birth is farther from reality than I knew. Sitting in that pool I said out loud.."this will be us in a couple weeks"....and I thought about that...and it seemed like a dream...easy to dismiss with the pool itself, as we folded it up and put it in the closet. Hmm.... Febri is certainly focused on the birth...he seems to have thought things through much more than myself. He even wanted me to act out labor...and lean on the pool sides holding onto the handles as he rubbed my back....he's already there...ready for anything it seems. That gives me relief as I ponder what my disassociation with my labor is. Hmmm...

Well, for now my focus is on motivating myself to actually get off the couch...dry my eyes, and prepare for the big day tomorrow. I will be happy...this too, shall pass.