the chaos begins....

So this is a new blog...my first post. I've blogged before, but thought it would be nice to vent about life in a new format...here I am.

Here I am...33 weeks pregnant. Whoa! When did that happen? That's how I feel. The pregnancy, as a whole, has been the most amazing experience..nothing compares. But, wow - it can really throw a woman for a loop! My head is spinning as I think about the last 8 months...and the next 10 weeks! Hard to imagine too much beyond that. For now.. that is enough.

Today is one of those days (there haven't been many) where I feel sad...out of control sad...like everything makes me cry sad...what is this? I have never had emotions like this outside of being pregnant. But they've slammed me in the face now a few times.
We're having our baby shower/blessing tomorrow. I'm feeling 100% unprepared! So much to do still...and here I am....sad..not really functioning on the level I need to be to actually be productive. And, why are we having this celebration? To honor the little babe inside....to celebrate this amazing thing that's happening....bringing a life into the world...gosh..what's worth celebrating, if not that?? And I really want to pull it together for this little one...and yet, because I'm pregnant, I can't.....I'm sad.....oh, life.

Last night we inflated the birthing pool. It was delivered day before yesterday with a big neon sticker instructing us to "OPEN IMMEDIATELY" but to not use anything sharp...duh. We arrived home around 9:30 - I was exhausted.. to find the package with instructions to be carried out within 48hrs.... what? Really? Is any pregnant woman really in a place where she has the time within a 48hr window to lug a heavy box inside....peel off tape (graciously applied, mind you) with fingernails (as not to use anything sharp)... and proceed to inflate this enormous pool? .....Last night, we undertook this task - our 48hr window dwindling ...even though we had more pressing things (preparing for baby blessing)... and finished in a little over an hour...everything checked out...no need to return...whew. I realized as I climbed inside the pool how the birth...the actual birth...still doesn't seem like a reality. The pregnancy certainly is, and the baby being here in our arms is fathomable...but the labor and birth is farther from reality than I knew. Sitting in that pool I said out loud.."this will be us in a couple weeks"....and I thought about that...and it seemed like a dream...easy to dismiss with the pool itself, as we folded it up and put it in the closet. Hmm.... Febri is certainly focused on the birth...he seems to have thought things through much more than myself. He even wanted me to act out labor...and lean on the pool sides holding onto the handles as he rubbed my back....he's already there...ready for anything it seems. That gives me relief as I ponder what my disassociation with my labor is. Hmmm...

Well, for now my focus is on motivating myself to actually get off the couch...dry my eyes, and prepare for the big day tomorrow. I will be happy...this too, shall pass.