come rain, come baby

rain has become a regular guest, as seems to be the norm here in the pacific northwest this time of the year. the other day, as i was walking with namaali (our 100lb malamute mix), the wind blew fallen leaves and the rain fell lightly...and it was so beautiful...and i thought to myself "what a perfect day to welcome our little one". of course, our 'little one' didn't feel the same, as he still sits in my womb as i type this...and, that's ok. what's nice though, is that i thought about having a baby during this season, and about how right that feels... to be locked away in our warm, dry little nest getting to know each other as a new family....ahh..the thought of that is so wonderful. baked food and warm candles, blankets, snuggling, staying close...and having the *best* reason to not go out into the cold rain. and, i feel lucky that we found this home (we just moved here in august)...a great home to welcome our babe.. tucked away in the corner of a quiet neighborhood...secluded, yet still in the city... landlords who support our choices - just this morning they stopped over with a gift for the baby - an organic sleeper set ... so sweet....
we feel blessed



today i am only 6 days from my due date. i have been sending my thoughts and words to my babe, telling him we are ready for him - whenever he is ready to come. so far, it seems he is more than happy to chill where he is. i'm not feeling pushy - in fact, i'm enjoying these last few days feeling this amazing closeness to my baby. taking in each moment...the little kicks and movements, my own embrace of my belly like it's never been before, the anticipation of labor...of seizing this new, extraordinary experience...and then, becoming a mother. i'm relishing these last days - as 'jennifer' - before adorning myself with the title 'mama' - of alone time, of quiet time with febri..just us, ....looking forward to the coming experience, but resisting the feeling of want to kick start the inevitable process.

we will wait, and breathe, and give thanks. and one day, very soon...maybe with the rain...will come our special gift - and we will rejoice...and love..and a new journey will begin.

the waiting game

38 weeks today. Woohoo!

For the last 3 weeks, we have been preparing for the arrival of this baby "any day now" (as we've been telling people when asked). At this point, officially 9 1/2 months into pregnancy, I'm finally feeling ready to meet this little person we're bringing into the world. I have to say, Mother Nature planned human gestation just right...giving couples months to accept and fully acknowledge the "pregnancy" part of things..and become comfortable with the idea...only to then realize that it's just a few weeks (what!?) before a baby - an actual live baby - is here. Any longer though, and the amazing woman - in all her capacity of carrying this growing child - would be completely burnt out on the whole "pregnancy" thing. And, once you've accepted the "baby is coming any day now", it really does become like christmas eve as a child...feeling you just can't wait to open the gifts...stealing peaks, or shaking the presents when no one is watching.
And that's what it's like...not for us, per say - but I do think of all the mama's and papa's to be who get one more ultrasound (taking a peek), and mama's who repeatedly have their cervix checked (shaking the box perhaps??)... The persistent wonder of how far along we are...are we making progress...the big question, and it's million dollar answer - "when will this baby be here?"... Who can blame parents to be - what bigger gift in life than the arrival of your baby?

I'm happy that Febri and I have chosen such a natural journey through pregnancy. I feel it's made things easier along the way - it's certainly narrowed down choices and expenses, and I think it's kept our focus on the baby and our trust in the process. And it's been a really beautiful experience..and the best part is yet to come!

Over the last 3 weeks, we've prepared the house for birth..making many so called "last" runs to the store before baby - to pick up supplies we forgot on the previous "last" trip. We're feeling set now - with birthing pool, receiving blankets, mood lighting, and birth blanket - among other countless supplies. We sewed some beautiful fabric to wrap the placenta in in the days following the birth, until the baby and placenta naturally separate from each other. We even made a play-list for the labor..and walked through a labor "fire-drill" - so Febri could feel more comfortable when the real thing happens. We completed the belly cast - which is still drying, but has so far turned out beautifully. And we, thank goodness, adore our maternity photos - including the one above...

We're ready little one...and now, we've begun to play the waiting game.

hold on, here we go!

so...i'm pregnant. and, i feel very pregnant. i guess i am very pregnant...at least according to some people. i'm now 35 weeks - that's only 2 weeks from full term - 13 days actually, but who's counting? i wouldn't mind all the very pregnant symptoms if only we were already past the 37 week point. i don't want to have this little bambino in a hospital...and week 37 is the earliest my midwives will perform a home-birth. so, here we are...counting the days...and i'm trying to stay off my feet as much as possible while we do.

this week my friends are going to help me make a belly cast. this is something i wasn't initially interested in doing..i mean - what do you do with it once you've finished?? i know some people hang it on the wall...that's cool - whatever...but we're not really at a point in our lives where collecting irregularly shaped art is possible. have i mentioned we're moving to indonesia sometime in the next year? maybe as early as 3 months? anyway... the more i thought about it, the more i thought making a bowl from the belly cast would be cool. at least, in my mind it's VERY cool - we'll see when it's actually finished. i saw this website online where people cast their bellies, then send them to a company that bronzes them...the bowls all come out with their very own tones...pretty neat. pretty expensive too - and i'd be happy with just a large fruit bowl..well, again, in my mind...we will see.

the chaos of maternity photography

Well, tomorrow we're going to have maternity photos taken. In theory, this seems like a great idea - I mean, I want to remember what my belly looks like...and unfortunately we haven't been great with documenting...
But, in actuality, maternity photography is crap. I don't know why everything baby (even remotely baby) has to be so cheesy. Photographers should be able to capture this fleeting moment...which is the most amazing life experience....without playing on society's pastel inclinations. Luckily, with the help of craigslist, we were able to find a photographer fresh out of school whose portfolio exhibits her amazing use of natural light in edgy imagery. We're thrilled she's interested in stepping into this peaches-and-cream world with us...and we look forward to beautiful photos that illustrate the reality of our current lives with this little one inside.

Lately, I've been feeling more pregnant. Now almost 35 weeks through this adventure, it's getting harder to get up and down, out of bed, off the couch, off the bus, up the stairs....you name it. Considering though that I am still able to do these things...just a little slower than normal....I think I can safely say this has been an easy pregnancy. Fingers crossed, I hope the last few weeks prenatal continue to be good to me and the little babe. I'm waiting for that day when I wake up proclaiming "ok, enough! get this baby out of me!!" So far though, so good....pregnancy has been, for the most part, enjoyable. So for now, we shall sit back and watch the next few days and weeks unfold....we can't wait to meet -face to face- this little life we've created.

the chaos begins....

So this is a new blog...my first post. I've blogged before, but thought it would be nice to vent about life in a new format...here I am.

Here I am...33 weeks pregnant. Whoa! When did that happen? That's how I feel. The pregnancy, as a whole, has been the most amazing experience..nothing compares. But, wow - it can really throw a woman for a loop! My head is spinning as I think about the last 8 months...and the next 10 weeks! Hard to imagine too much beyond that. For now.. that is enough.

Today is one of those days (there haven't been many) where I feel sad...out of control sad...like everything makes me cry sad...what is this? I have never had emotions like this outside of being pregnant. But they've slammed me in the face now a few times.
We're having our baby shower/blessing tomorrow. I'm feeling 100% unprepared! So much to do still...and here I am....sad..not really functioning on the level I need to be to actually be productive. And, why are we having this celebration? To honor the little babe inside....to celebrate this amazing thing that's happening....bringing a life into the world...gosh..what's worth celebrating, if not that?? And I really want to pull it together for this little one...and yet, because I'm pregnant, I can't.....I'm sad.....oh, life.

Last night we inflated the birthing pool. It was delivered day before yesterday with a big neon sticker instructing us to "OPEN IMMEDIATELY" but to not use anything sharp...duh. We arrived home around 9:30 - I was exhausted.. to find the package with instructions to be carried out within 48hrs.... what? Really? Is any pregnant woman really in a place where she has the time within a 48hr window to lug a heavy box inside....peel off tape (graciously applied, mind you) with fingernails (as not to use anything sharp)... and proceed to inflate this enormous pool? .....Last night, we undertook this task - our 48hr window dwindling ...even though we had more pressing things (preparing for baby blessing)... and finished in a little over an hour...everything checked out...no need to return...whew. I realized as I climbed inside the pool how the birth...the actual birth...still doesn't seem like a reality. The pregnancy certainly is, and the baby being here in our arms is fathomable...but the labor and birth is farther from reality than I knew. Sitting in that pool I said out loud.."this will be us in a couple weeks"....and I thought about that...and it seemed like a dream...easy to dismiss with the pool itself, as we folded it up and put it in the closet. Hmm.... Febri is certainly focused on the birth...he seems to have thought things through much more than myself. He even wanted me to act out labor...and lean on the pool sides holding onto the handles as he rubbed my back....he's already there...ready for anything it seems. That gives me relief as I ponder what my disassociation with my labor is. Hmmm...

Well, for now my focus is on motivating myself to actually get off the couch...dry my eyes, and prepare for the big day tomorrow. I will be happy...this too, shall pass.