our love, our loss... the chaos continues

when luna was a newborn, she slept most soundly on my chest. she felt warmth and comfort there.. and i have to say the feeling was mutual. recently we've been working on night weaning. luna does well, but she still wakes, and it's in those moments that comfort again comes from lying on my chest. it wasn't until last night, with luna's heart to mine, that i felt all of the love and warmth and solace that closeness can bring. it poured over me, and together we comforted each other.

yesterday (3/11/11) we said a final goodbye to the spirit i had carried shortly in my womb.

6 days ago, on sunday, i noticed brown spotting while i was working. it wasn't too alarming as i had spotted in early pregnancy with luna as well.

on monday i still had brown spotting and contacted our midwife to set an appointment to listen for the heartbeat, as i was now 12 weeks pregnant.

by tuesday the spotting had turned to bright red, but was still minimal, and i had no other symptoms.

wednesday morning came and we headed to our midwife's house to check things out. after a brief time of searching for the heartbeat with the doppler, and finding none, our midwife suggested going in for a sonogram. we agreed, and headed to the hospital early that evening. after a long wait at the hospital, we were finally taken in and i saw my uterus for the first time. what an experience. unfortunately though, we saw an empty sac... there was no heartbeat... no fetus. the diagnosis - blighted ovum.

i had blamed stress for the disconnection i had this pregnancy. i couldn't focus on the growing babe inside me. i was happy about the pregnancy, but just couldn't connect with this little one the way i had so early on with luna. stress was significant in the first few weeks following the positive pregnancy test, and i thought that must be the reason. i had no time to connect. i felt a strong guilt about it. i also blamed stress for my lack of pregnancy symptoms. not having the time to rest must explain why i'm not so fatigued.

seeing an empty sac explained a lot. i understood why i couldn't connect to a babe... there wasn't one to connect to. the hospital midwife explained that, while my uterus was measuring 12 - 14 weeks, the gestational sac was only measuring 9 - 10 weeks.

she warned us that a natural miscarriage this far into pregnancy would be dangerous and difficult. she suggested a D&C, and implied that i would most likely end up in the hospital anyway due to hemorrhage or fear in going through the miscarriage at home. she offered reassurance in knowing that the hospital now had me on file so i would be quickly admitted when coming in bleeding in the middle of the miscarriage. she gave us no advice or things to look for as potential problems in the miscarriage (even when i specifically asked her), and continued to stress the DANGER.

we left the hospital feeling sad, empty, and scared. i tried calling our midwife for advice, but didn't hear back from her. we were lost in a sea of uncertainty and fear of the unknown... and weighted by our sorrow, we couldn't find a way out. thursday morning i woke feeling a bit more clear and contacted my midwife, wendy, from portland to ask for her advice. cramping had begun, and i felt them getting stronger as the day went on. the bleeding i was experiencing at this point was comparable to a light menstrual flow.. bright red blood. by thursday evening i received an email from wendy. thank goodness for her. her words brought me peace and i could feel her support - even though she was so many miles away. knowing now what to expect, i was able to embrace the miscarriage and move with it rather than against it in fear.

noticeable contractions began around 8pm thursday night. i recognized them differing from the cramping because they were coming in waves. they were mild and easy to sleep through.

at 1 am friday morning i woke with contractions that, while still mild, encouraged me to get on my feet and move around. i found it most comfortable to work through these by rotating my hips. at one point febri turned the light on and commented "you're dancing"... and, i suppose i was. everything happened quickly, contractions got very close together, and i sat on the toilet expecting to pass tissue, though not much came out. blood was still only a light flow. i began to feel clammy and dizzy and i called febri to come be with me. i put my head down low, i was sweating a lot...still clammy and dizzy, and febri rubbed my back as the contractions increased, then a few minutes later subsided. i laid down on the floor - febri brought me a banana and some water. after a couple minutes, i felt better and went back to the bedroom. within minutes i felt blood coming - i went back to the toilet and a gush of blood came from me - i felt clots fall as well. then i went back to bed (after drinking some water and eating a granola bar), it was now just after 2am, and caught an hour sleep or so.

i woke again to increasing contractions, though not as intense as before, and went back to the bathroom. i passed some blood again and started to feel cold and shiver. febri brought me a sweater, and i ate an egg. immediately, the shivering stopped. i was feeling better, but i knew it wasn't over yet. i was surprised at how easy things were going, but aware that there was more to come. febri had been collecting what my body was passing, and so far it was just some small clots and a bit of tissue. i was up and down for a bit - eating more food and staying hydrated, and continuing to go to the toilet expecting things to pass, but not seeing much. my bleeding was still light in between the bathroom trips. finally i went to the toilet and felt that there was something that needed to pass... a blood clot or something. i felt the need to push, and when i did i looked down expecting to see blood, but saw grey instead - and i knew it was the placenta. i pushed and pushed - which was an odd sensation. i wasn't feeling the uterus contracting.. and it didn't feel like i was pushing anything at all - but i knew it was there and it needed to come out. after a few pushes, the placenta and sac came out together. the sac was still intact, with fluid. i'd say the size of the placenta and sac was about equal to a grapefruit. the placenta looked healthy and it was amazing to see the gestational sac. there was little bleeding, and i felt good.

it was such a relief to see everything together and to know it was complete. i felt a calm wash over me, and ...though it's strange to say... a happiness. i felt peace.

yesterday afternoon we buried the placenta and sac in our yard. we said a prayer, and said goodbye.

and today, we move on.

life is so many things. so amazing, and sometimes so challenging. the experience of life and loss from my womb has been both amazing and challenging... and so much more. in the end, febri and i have come out stronger, more connected, and oh so grateful. and as a family, as we experience more loss, we recognize the never ending love... the balance, the beauty, the blessing... LOVE.

life goes on

well... here we are, in a new house, a new year, a new job, a new school... new neighbors, friends, parks... a new way of life. we've been through a lot these past few months.

many changes - many ups - many downs.

lots of gain.. but unfortunately, lots of loss too. lots of loss.

and, through it all... life goes on.

somehow, febri and i have managed to move up and out together, stronger, closer - and more joyful.

we find ourselves on the other side - where just weeks ago, the other side seemed impossible.

here we are in a new home - a great little home - in our first choice neighborhood. we are so happy to be here. we've been slowly pulling things together - making purchases - outfitting this house with belongings to make it home. luna has her very own room - which is a first for her - all three of us appreciate it SO much! her blocks and books and snugglies all have a place... so nice! we have a sweet little back yard, which is just calling for love... and veggies come spring... and little hands digging in the dirt. we have a lovely covered front porch - that is still waiting for the right furniture to support many summer evenings watching the neighborhood go by. the park and the market are just blocks away. work is an easy 30min train ride. things are finally falling into place.

the beginnings of luna's room

i'm feeling set...well, almost. it's surprising to me - we moved to this city...leaving behind so much, and - in a lot of ways - i was unhappy about the move. yet, here i find myself more settled than i felt in portland. despite the lack of friends, we've found incredible welcome from our neighbors. friends will come, and i hardly worry about this considering we've been here for a mere 2 weeks. already i have a rhythm at the wellness center - and work is busier all the time. we love all that is at our fingertips in this city - the galleries, museums, parks... and it's all accessible and free! yesterday we spent the afternoon at the zoo ... today luna and i will go check out some art while papa works on school stuff. having these activities to do (again, for FREE!) with a child is so great! and luna can't get enough.

so, here we are. and it feels good to be here. a big part is that i feel grounded here... already ... for the first time in a LONG time. we signed a three year lease (extendable to 5), that is a big deal for us. it's long enough to put down some roots... and envision our future together.

we are home. for now.

count your blessings

well... the leaves cover the ground.. the wind is blowing..

feliz navidad is seeping through the thin apartment walls of our house sit from the unit next door...

luna is sporting her hat... and some new mittens...

the grocery store was a battle ground today...

yes, it's that time of the year again.

tomorrow is thanksgiving, and while we try to reflect on the positives of our lives each night before bed (one of my favorite times with febri), thanksgiving is a particularly nice celebration in that it encourages all to be thankful.... although, many people are in it simply for the stuffed bird and pumpkin pie.

we've had a rough few months... and we're still in the thick of it.. MANY challenges are coming our way, and yet, we feel so grateful for what we have.

febri and i - each other - a love that is so strong and pure and without demands or expectations.

luNa.. our amazing baby girl... almost a year old - she's smart and healthy and beautiful - and she constantly makes us laugh and smile... and feel such pride as parents...

we have a support network around us - despite the distance we've put between ourselves and our friends and family - still, we feel the love..and it crosses the land and sea, and fills us up and makes us strong.

we have a sweet little temporary home ... rent free... while we find the perfect place to settle, and get on our feet in a new city... with a very different vibe from what we're accustomed to...

i have my incredible work - a job that pays the bills, and keeps me stimulated and intrigued, and oh so happy.... i love my work!

we're ...somehow in this crazy economy... still able to stay home with luna and keep her out of daycare and home with mama and papa where she belongs...

and the little things... the cuddles in the warm blankets, the sun on luna's face, the hot tea and the dark chocolate, febri's music and luna's dancing, the yummy creations febri cooks up in the kitchen with our wholesome organic whole-foods, the coffee shop down the street that has the WAY overpriced coffee that we still indulge in every once in a while because it's SO good...., luna's laugh and embrace.....

we are blessed....

now go on, give thanks!

happy holidays.

this too, shall pass

things are different now.... and i miss the way things were...

.....not that i'd change anything, but i do miss it.

i miss the thick portland days... with the clouds and the rain, and the sunshine that makes the most fabulous array of colors in the afternoon.

i miss going to the market every day - sometimes multiple times a day - for groceries... and always finding healthy, yummy and satisfying foods.

i miss my friends... the tea, the talks, the hugs.

and of course i miss the coffee.

i miss a lot about our old life.

our new (and very temporary) life finds us - a family of three - living in a room the size of my childhood bedroom... in fact, it is my childhood bedroom...[sigh]. we've been staying with my parents for the last four weeks, and things are beginning to feel claustrophobic to me. it doesn't help that the three of us are sharing a double bed... definitely going for the king when we move into our new home! my parents have been amazing, and i love (love love) that luna is bonding with her grandparents. it's so wonderful to watch my father and my daughter explore the yard together... water the plants... pick the veggies... that is beautiful.

but, i am SO ready for us to have our own space again.

i'm ready to meet new people. i'm ready to discover a new neighborhood... with new neighbors, and new parks... new markets...

last week we took luna to the library story time in a neighborhood we're considering settling in. it was SO good to see other mamas and papas there with their little ones. it was a great group of people ... young, diverse... it was encouraging... and since then i feel as though i've been grabbing at every opportunity to find a home there and get the ball rolling on our planting some roots.... but i know it's not time yet.

we have a lot on our plate right now. this new life is full of stress. we have much to do in order to make everything happen as we want it to... and at the same time, so much is out of our hands. we're trying to get ourselves on a plane to indonesia.... and it's proving difficult for a number of reasons. and as the stresses pile up, i feel the weight on my chest...... constricting my breath.....

there have been tears... lots of tears.... and i'm sure there are many more to come.... but we move forward....

the end is not yet in sight, but i do know that this too, shall pass.

on the road

it's 11pm. luna is asleep beside me. febri is watching tv (something he never gets to do at home). we are in fortuna, ca.... a million miles from home... in fact, i don't even know where home is...

2 days ago, after much stressful packing and selling (thank goodness for the loving help of friends, or i don't know how we would have managed it), we loaded up the wagon and hit the road. south through oregon and then southwest to the california coast. we have loved every minute of this adventure... us being febri and i, luna hasn't loved *every* minute. luna, however, has handled the road better than i imagined she would... she's acclimating to life in the car quite well, in fact.

today we spent some time in redwood forest and on the coast.... we had dinner at a funky little vietnamese restaurant and developed a new found love for our own home-cooked food... and then we took luna swimming in the hotel heated pool. i'm surprised i have the energy to sit and type this...but i want to get these thoughts down.

i have always been one to jump at the opportunity for travel/adventure... for change. now though, i suppose being a mother has altered things. my feelings are different, and though i'm enjoying these days on the road, i'm already anticipating our arrival on the opposite coast, and settling into a new home and rhythm. but, it will be a while before that day comes as we have more adventures in store. after we master the road and a short visit with family, we'll try our hand at international travel with an infant...

and that..... is a story for another day.

goodnight!

saying goodbye to friends

a much needed rest mid-drive

febri and luna taking in the west coast

ever amazing old-growth

summer!!!

well, summer has finally arrived in the pacific northwest! it made an appearance a couple times earlier in the year, but it seems as though now it is here to stay. it's been close to 100 degrees the last two days, and tomorrow is calling for the same. to escape the heat, we decided to take advantage of one of the great things about portland ... it's proximity to the coast .... and took luna on her first beach visit!

we all had a blast!

hope you're enjoying your summer!

5 on 5

tomorrow is cinco de mayo...and, tomorrow, luna will be 5 months old.

she's turning into such a little person - full of personality, expression, and love. i watch her take in the world around her... and i hold her tight..close to me, and i try to hold on to these fleeting moments. the most amazing times are when we look into each other's eyes - and time stands still - i've never had such a connection before, and it takes my breath away. this little being - that febri and i created - our love child.. she's growing up before our very eyes.

at 5 months luna can do lots of things:

*she can sit unaided! - though she usually topples over after a bit.... sometimes she catches herself with her hands... sometimes she face-plants ... she's learning :)

*luna has mastered her grasp - and she uses it for everything - including mama's hair and skin (ouch!)... and, she holds on tight to toys....until we're out in the rain, where she will surely let go :) ~ i'm learning

*she's showing a preference for certain music - a lot she is indifferent to, but certain songs she loves - and she shows us with a big smile... to other songs she promptly pouts and cries to let us know they are NOT her favorites.

*luna is not yet doing the "belly crawl", but she excels at doing 360s when placed on her tummy. it helps that she has a colorful activity mat to hold her interest .... (thanks uncle michael!) she is now more regularly rolling belly to back, and back to belly.

*she has begun thumb sucking ... this is new. up until now she has been a knuckle sucker, but it looks as though she is now preferring her thumb.

*luna is teething - big time. poor baby! i'm waiting to see the first pearly white, but i know it may be some time. we got luna an amber and hazelwood necklace from this website.. it's still too early to tell if it's easing her symptoms, but it sure is pretty on her sweet little neck :) !

luna's favorite things:

*going for neighborhood walks and visiting the neighbor's chickens.

*still LOVES taking baths

*"bubuy bulan" is her favorite song ... it's a sudanese song that papa sings to her...

"aku seorang kapiten" (an indonesian song) is a close second

she also thoroughly enjoys both "twinkle, twinkle little star" and "the itsy bitsy spider" - but i think mostly for the hand motions that i perform with them.

*luna has grown attached to her cloudb gentle giraffe... puts her right to sleep - and she's so cute snuggled up against it.

*luna enjoys stroller time (we finally got our dream ride - the 2010 uppababy vista), but still prefers being worn on mama or papa. we still use the wraps - but we've also started using a beco - and baby, mama, and papa are happy!

our tiny little baby is turning into a little person...changing every day.

here are some recent closeups: